Life with a neurodivergent nervous system
Sometimes existing can feel like too much.
Living in our modern world with an extremely sensitive and over-burdened neurodivergent nervous system causes acute reactions: meltdowns, shutdowns, fainting spells, etc. In the longer-term it can lead to living in a chronic state of sympathetic activation (fight, flight, freeze, fawn), and ultimately shape our lives and our relationships. Masked neurodivergent adults often enter coaching because they’ve realized they are “people pleasers” and are unable to prioritize their own needs or hold boundaries. Or they come in because their partner is complaining that they’re not emotionally present, they’re volatile, or they zone out or avoid challenging relational conversations and experiences.
Overwhelm, Meltdowns, and Shut Downs
By the time we get to overwhelm, we don’t have any choice in how our body responds.
Step One: Meltdown or Shut Down. We will either have a meltdown (similar to a panic attack) which might look like crying, raging, throwing things, and is kind of like having every nerve ending in your whole body on fire. Or we go into shutdown, which is like when a breaker trips in your house and all the lights go out. We tend to go silent and still in these times. Some people have access to their minds during shut down, and some are in a more profound dissociated state, disconnected from the present moment. Even though a shutdown looks from the outside more peaceful than a meltdown, from the inside they can be just as painful and frightening.
Step Two: The meltdown and shutdown end when the body and nervous system stabilize. It can feel like a huge relief, or it can just feel like you’re exhausted and shaky and need time to recharge. Either way, there is frequently a pervading sense of shame and sometimes fear about how this event may have affected our relationships, our job, even our bodies, as we can sometimes hurt ourselves during meltdowns and need to hop into after-care mode as soon as we are able. The stigma around self-harm keeps many people suffering in silence for years before they seek support for the episodes.
It’s not your fault if your nervous system gets overwhelmed. And it’s not a sign of immaturity or a failure of any kind to have meltdowns and shutdowns. Identifying and honoring your unique needs and limits is the first step to caring for your nervous system.
Chronically living in activation (fight, flight, freeze)
When we live in overwhelm for months, years, or decades there are long-term consequences. We lose our sense of agency, and even our sense of self. We end up crossing our own boundaries, or finding ourselves in situations where we are being taken advantage of. We over-give and under-receive, and will often build resentments in relationships or even break off relationships suddenly because we don’t know how to remember our own needs when other people are around.
Everyday encounters can feel fraught and dangerous, and our bodies respond with more and more stress hormones and hypervigilance. Our nervous systems start to look traumatized, just from the experience of being neurodivergent in our current modern culture. We may or may not meet criteria for PTSD, but the underlying physiological experience still needs to be addressed either way.
If you’re interested in healing, accommodating, and pampering your sweet neurodivergent nervous system, and would like to work with Amy and me at ND Friendly Life, contact us today. If you’d like to learn about the Safe and Sound Protocol and Rest and Restore Protocol (two sound therapies that we offer for nervous system regulation and support) check out the final part of this blog.
